Movie Review: Granny (1999)

Play nice kids!

Ok, let me start this one off by saying, The Misses bought me this (Thank you) along with The Salena Incident and Knock Knock. So, I wasn't expecting much.... To be perfectly honest, I was expecting a certain level! Unfortunately, Granny did not serve up the cookies this time!

Calling this a film is so far from the truth, you might as well call it bananphone! In reality, Granny is a 25 minute long short-film that has had every scene stretched to breaking point in order to hit that 60 minute mark as advertised on the DVD case. Maybe they printed the cases before finishing the film and just had to make the time up to hit that target. Whatever the reason, watching the eight supposedly college friends sitting around talking about random crap was rather excruciating! To make it all seem a bit less interesting, they don’t even appear to be drunk or for that matter anywhere close to being college students! Quite literally the first 16 minutes of this film are them sat around talking about nothing. The camera switching from wide shots to close up's and back again until I was frantically pulling my hair out screaming at the screen. Almost doing the unthinkable and fast forwarding the DVD!

As it turns out, the whole 60 minutes thing was a bit of a blessing, although it would have been better if they hadn't bothered really. I know it may sound a bit harsh and it goes against everything I believe but Granny doesn't give anything to the world of horror. It cuts a lonely figure, reminding us that Scream is still the best in the class when it comes to this sort of teen driven slasher film.

The cast give new meaning to the word wooden, as they fumble their way through the flimsy script, which doesn't really help their cause. Normally in these types of films, we are at least treated to a few one-liners. Sadly, all Granny serves us, is a steadfast reminder of how not to do it. It beggars belief that anyone in their right minds could watch this film and be taken away to that world of imagination and make believe! Even the terrible granny mask and flowing long hair aren't enough to bring a smile to the face and the mask is usually the go-to for bit of praise!

With everything I just said in mind, I was quite pleasantly surprised by the double-barrelled twist at the end. I won’t give anything away (Just in case you want to gouge your eyes out watching this) but after sitting through 59 minutes of this film, we are finally given something resembling my old friend, quality! Despite this not being enough to claw back any respect, it didn't seem as much of a waste of my time as it had originally looked.

Granny, serves up very little in the way of gore, sprecial effects, storyline, acting. Well anything really. It is quite easy to see how this remains Boris Pavlovsky's first and only effort in the world of movies.

Other than the last 30 seconds, if there was anything on a positive note I could say, it would be that the production value isn't terrible and the needles through the glasses did get a chuckle! That’s it. I apologise to Boris and the rest of the production crew of Granny as they obviously put in minutes of hard graft to get them to agree to put this onto a DVD and actually selling it to sane, good heated people in the real world!


Released: 1999

My Rating: 1.5

Movie Review: Broken (2006)

Yet another film from the collection that got looked over again and again but on one rather gruesome night which also included Cannibal Holocaust I decided to give it a try.

A young woman awakes to find she has been kidnapped and is now trapped in the woods with a psychopathic loner. As well as making her perform sordid acts, she must also save herself from ridiculous situations which, if she wasn't hell-bent on making sure her daughter was ok, would be enough to finish anyone off.

One rather stomach clenching scene involves a razor blade and her intestines... I will say no more! The cast, as limited as the story allows are brilliant. For 99% of the film we only have interaction from two characters. Both are played perfectly. Nadja Brand plays Hope, the woman caught in this wicked trap and Eric Colvin plays "The Man", Hopes abductor and keeper.

The film mixes a great blend of suspense, gore and atmosphere and despite being very low on funding; the production value is very good. They did a wonderful job of pulling everything together with the atmosphere. Very little dialogue to speak of (Ha ha) but that didn't really matter. Just a few glances or a small gesture of the hands from either character gave us enough to know exactly what they were thinking.

I did mention that this film was watched the same night I finally built up the courage to watch an unedited bootleg copy of Cannibal Holocaust for the first time. In fact, Broken was a warm up to that little gut-wrencher. However, if I had known just how gruesome Broken was in parts, I may have swapped them round. Having said that, I am not sure if I could ever watch Cannibal Holocaust again. Parts of that film are now permanently burnt into my brain and will haunt my dreams forever!!! Only messing, if you have never seen it. Go and watch it, it is certainly one that any sick, twisted Horror fan should watch.

Anyway, back to Broken. There is little else I can say about it without revealing the entire script or some very good shock moments. All I will say is if you ever get a chance to watch this low-budget gem, do it. You will not be disappointed. It is quite disheartening that with films like Saw and Hostel doing so well, this little exploitive number didn't really see the light of day before being sent to the back of class but I would certainly put it in their league. Especially Hostel which wasn't really that good! Just saying.

Released: 2006

My Rating: 6

Movie Review: Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959)

Ed Wood's "Classic" has taken a few batterings down the years. Without question his biggest film but also considered to be one of the worst films ever made. Well... I saw this in the local unnamed generic Pound Shop and chomped at the bit. £1 for a classic was far too good a deal to pass up.

 

Having only ever known Bela Lugosi as the star of real classics like Dracula and White Zombie, I was quite intrigued to discover why this outing had such a bad reputation.

After researching the film, it became abundantly clear;

 

This was the last film of an underappreciated career for the Hungarian master. One which sadly, he did not see through. Lugosi died of a heart attack during filming, so footage from some of Wood's' other side projects, which also featured Lugosi were used. They brought in a replacement actor to do the filler. However, not to very good effect as all scenes involving the stand in were shot with him covering his entire face with a cape.

Sad to say that Lugosi's legacy is a much more modern sentiment. As a hard working actor in Hollywood during the 30's, 40's & 50's, Lugosi battled low paying jobs, drug addiction and of course, he was a foreigner at a very difficult time for world relations. Quite possibly his and one of the fledgling arts' most iconic moment came when he donned the cape and fangs of one Count Dracula in 1931. A role which saw him earn a measly $3,500, which in today's inflated market comes in at just over $46,000.

Lugosi's role in this film will possibly stand out in his career but for all the wrong reasons. Plan 9 is a science fiction film with so much promise and a decent idea, just very poorly executed. You can forgive the flying saucers with the clearly visible string and the cardboard sets but one thing that can never be forgiven is the continued use of the same scene over and over as we see Bela Lugosi walk through the graveyard again and again and again.

As with most films of this era, it was all about the voice over guy. Even with its ridiculous plot, you can almost hear the voice now "Unspeakable Horror's from Outer Space! Paralyze the Living and Resurrect the dead!!!" he says in his prime theatre tongue. Some special mention must also go to Vampira, a.k.a Maila Syrjäniemi plays an instantly recognizable "Vampire Girl" with sharp nails and pointy eyebrows. Everything the average 1950's person would imagine a female vampire would look like.

Plan 9 from Outer Space is a relic of the Sci-Fi genre that never really knew which direction to go. Zombies, Vampires? Who cares? After all, the Undead are the Undead. With a shoestring budget and a notoriously bad director, Plan 9 has become a laughing stock of 50's Hollywood but fear not. This film falls perfectly into one of my favourite categories... Cult. A True Cult Classic

Released: 1959

My Rating: 5

Movie Review: Knock Knock (2007)

Wait... I know this one!

Ah, another cheap and cheerful slasher film from the very bottom of the bargain bin! This one sadly, belongs where I found it. With an unknown cast and a small budget, sometimes you can still come up with something a little more original!

Knock Knock boasts a standard revenge/slasher plotline filled with red herrings at every turn. Unfortunately it appears that the writers gave up and completely missed their opportunity for one of those glorious things in slasher films... A Twist. It was like they literally just ran out of ideas. Some of the death scenes are rather imaginative, if a little overcooked by the epilepsy inducing camera and editing department.

As for that unknown cast. Only one actor stood out in the whole thing, Antonio Mastrantonio, who plays the lead's grandfather and retired cop. Desperately trying to get back into Nikki's life. He soon teams up with rookie cop/hooker, Det. Billie, played ever so subtly by Kim Taggart. Her performance is so realistic, you could be forgiven for thinking that she was really on the job.... What? She wasn't playing a lap dancer? Well.... She could have fooled me. The only other actor worthy of any mention is Sal Sirchia who plays the somewhat troubled Janitor, Troy. Originally the chief suspect but it soon becomes clear, to the retired cop that is, that there is no way Troy could have committed these murders.

As for the rest of the onscreen performances you might not be far wrong for thinking that the extras were completely oblivious to the fact they were being filmed. Some very shocked and surprised looks when they notice a camera! So that’s it, two stand out's and one pair of legs make up the cast.

The director clearly chose to aim the film down the gory, shock route rather than building any sort of characterisation. We feel absolutely no empathy for the young teens as they gradually get picked off one by one. Another area of particular note... During the flash back scene, we are supposed to be watching two young teens doing what boys do and playing with army figures. The only problem is they must have filmed it quite late in the day because one of the boys is sporting a very impressive 5 o'clock shadow!

The film’s production value is not the worst I have ever seen but some really shoddy camera work does seem to make the whole thing feel very amateur. As far as low budget slasher films go, I am glad I watched it but I can’t say I would be in any major rush to watch it again.

Released: 2007

My Rating: 3

Movie Review: The Salena Incident (2007)

What a looker!

Here we go again! The Salena Incident was recommended by a friend, who simply said. Watch it! So, the first time the misses saw it for sale on the interwebnet, she snapped it up. 3-5 working days later, it landed on our door mat and swiftly found its way into the DVD player. I don’t mess around me, if a reliable source gives me gold; I’m not going to ignore it.
The film starts with some top notch special effects as what is obviously an alien craft comes crashing down to Earth. Some wonderful acting follows, as we see the Directors grandfather and all his bowls pals dressed in their best military issue uniform. Clearly discussing the afore mentioned crash. Cut straight from there to a group of America's finest marines descending many, many floors underground to search and contain anything they might find. Obviously, this goes pear shaped very quickly!

After this very swift opening, we are finally introduced to the main protagonists of the film. A group of convicts being transferred and the guards accompanying them. Complete with the "Clarice Starling" doctor, they set off on their journey. The cons include Mini Michael Madsen, Mexican dude, skin-head and token black guy (Terribly sorry if that sounds racist, I am just pointing out that film is the epitome of cliché). It isn't long before the convicts go Cyrus the Virus on the guards and after the bus suffers the most inconvenient flat tyre in history they seize their moment! How on earth did the writers come up with this storyline? I can see them now. All sat around watching Con Air and not an original idea between them! Anyway, with the help of some of Mini Michaels' crumpets, the Cons take control.
I am not going to go into much more detail but after winding up in the town of Salena, it is immediately apparent that all is not well.

Right. Down to business. Although Salena has received some incredibly poor reviews and there is no love for this film from anyone it would appear. Well, I actually quite enjoyed it. The acting is dross, the special effects have gone A.W.O.L and the script is dire but who cares? It may be the horribly deformed lovechild of Con Air and Alien Resurrection but when you mix the worst ingredients together sometimes you get a tasty dish.

With everything said, The Salena Incident is the kind of film that you used to see at 1:30 in the morning on some random Film channel (UK readers may be familiar with Zone Horror or whatever it's called nowadays), it doesn't take itself too seriously and neither should its viewers. This is a prime example of what I am trying to achieve with this blog, Sometimes I read reviews and wonder how they can compare this film to the likes of Aliens etc. If I could put it into some kind of perspective. 20th Century Fox probably spend more on the daily buffet table than this film cost to make! For this reason, I can appreciate and enjoy the efforts made in making low budget horror films.

I am going to end it there as this is really starting to sound like a rant.
In conclusion, The Salena Incident was worth every one of the 150 pennies laid out and both the misses and I really enjoyed it.

Released: 2007

My Rating: 4.75(ish)

Movie Review: Savage Island (2005)

Keeping it in the Family!

The misses chose this one after having been overlooked many, many times before. I suppose with all the crap I make her watch, I couldn't exactly say no!

The story starts with a couple, Julia & Steven along with their baby Alex, travelling to see Julia's parents, the Young family. Julia is clearly frustrated with the marriage and Steven doesn’t hold back in letting her know his feelings about spending his vacation on an island in the middle of nowhere. The Young’s live on a small island which is currently inhabited by a family of squatters, the Savage family, as well as themselves. As Julia & Steven are waiting for the boat to take them across the water they meet two members of the Savage family.

What follows is an uneasy and unnerving scene which showcases perfectly what kind of a family they are. With this unpleasantness behind them, Julia's brother Peter arrives with the boat. After arriving on the island and under the influence of some wacky backy, Peter begins driving a bit irrationally and before long they hit something. Thinking it was just a deer; they leave and make their way to the house. In fact what they have hit will set off a chain of events which will culminate with the Savage family trying to take the young baby Alex and what started as a holiday will turn into their worst nightmare.

As for the rest! You will just have to watch and see...
The production value of this film is bad to terrible at best and the acting is not much better (For the most part) Somehow they managed to cast the late Don S. Davis of Stargate SG-1 fame as Julia's father, Keith. This is a move which sad to say fails to make up for the rest of the cast. The storyline on the other hand is rather good. Quite original in a sort of Texas Chainsaw way but... And this is a massive BUT, it is disastrously let down by the ending. Shock endings are always good in these types of horror films but not this time I’m afraid. You may think differently, you may love the ending. In my opinion, they could have done so much better! Do not let my views put you off though!

Despite the poor aspects of this film, Savage Island had a great base and if they had a bit more cash to splash, it would have been a different machine entirely. As I said, the misses picked this one out and whether it was an attempt to justify her decision or not, she really liked it and I didn't hate it. If low budget shock horror films with a twist are your thing, you should definitely give it a whirl.

Released: 2005

My Rating: 4.5

Movie Review: Zombie Chronicles (2001)

Run for your life!

Holy Shit! That pretty much sums up this poor excuse for a film! With a lot more emphasis on the Shit part of that comment.
Less of a film and more a "Twilight Zone" of stories.
We follow a journalist who gets lost looking for a town. She picks up a crazy local who says he can direct her. First moments of "What was i thinking!"

We eventually find ourselves in the first of two stories as the stranger begins to regale her with tall tales of the local area...
Both stories within the main story are poor at best. The main story is not much better but nothing can compete with the acting. I have seen a lot of "Low-Budget" horror films but this one can be dumped firmly in the "No-Budget" category.

Supposedly filmed in stereoscopic 3-D however this is the single most disastrous attempt at that medium that I have ever seen... Yes, I am including Jaws 3-D in that list! The camera is jerky and scratchy, I assure you, I could have done a better job with my Smartphone! The opening credits go on for far too long and to make matters worse. They show us every zombie munching scene! So when we eventually reach that part of the film, we know who is going to get it and how it's going to happen. I don’t know about you but I like a few surprises with my films! Ironically, the best aspect of this film is the close up shots of the zombies chewing away at some unfortunate soul!

With absolutely no coherence and a disjointed storyline together with terrible acting, bad direction, no production value what so ever and a script which could have been written by a toddler... Zombie chronicles is without question the worst film I have ever seen!

When all is said and done I find myself doing something that I hate..... Bad Review!
I have always believed that every film deserves credit no matter how bad it was. It is the way I view films and has been for a long time and that's why it pains me to do this. Hopefully this will be a one off but Zombie Chronicles scores a catastrophic Nul Points!

My advice, if you ever find yourself in the store with this DVD in your hands.... Thinking..... "Hhhmmm, should I?"

YES! Buy it...... and BURN IT! That way no one else will ever been in that unfortunate situation ever again!
Chances are, like me it will only set you back £1!

Released: 2001

My Rating: 0